


Love Seat

by nubianamy



Category: Glee
Genre: F/M, Fluff, M/M, Masturbation, Relationship Negotiation, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:14:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28654812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nubianamy/pseuds/nubianamy
Summary: Finn's dates with Rachel aren't always so good, but Kurt is as warm and comfortable as the quilt on the couch.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Finn Hudson/Kurt Hummel, Rachel Berry/Finn Hudson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	Love Seat

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in the summer after season 2.

Finn stalked into the house and let the door behind him shut. He discarded his jacket on the bench by the door, wandered into the family room, and flopped onto the couch. With a heavy sigh, he picked up the remote. 

“Finn?” He looked up to see his mom standing at the foot of the stairs, wearing her robe. “How was your date?”

“Fine,” he said. He didn’t like telling lies to his mom, but it was clear she was going to bed. She wouldn’t have time to listen to him talk about how it really was.

“What did you and Rachel do?”

That was even harder to answer. He’d spent the last three hours wishing he could show Rachel exactly how much she inspired him, but the only thing he’d ended up doing was smile and nod as she talked about the most recent iteration of her Broadway dream. 

“Just hung out.” He watched her smile, and knew she probably assumed they’d been fooling around, and he smiled back. “See you in the morning.”

“Don’t forget to turn off the light before you go downstairs,” she called over her shoulder. 

He turned on the television and thumbed through the channels, looking for something to distract him, but there was nothing on the screen that could take away the restlessness in his body, the twitchiness in his fingers. 

He waited a while to make sure Burt and his mom really were asleep. Then, glancing around the room, Finn reached over and snagged the edge of the quilt that sat on the arm of the couch. He draped it over his lap, making sure there was plenty of space to move around inside. Then he unbuttoned his shorts, unzipping them far enough that he could get a hand inside. It wasn’t going to take him long to finish, not with all of the ideas ranging around inside his head about what he wished he’d been doing for the past three hours. He set up a quick pace, closing his eyes and focusing on one image, the one that usually got him there fastest. 

“Hey, Finn,” Kurt said. 

Finn froze in place as Kurt sat beside him on the couch. When he reached for the edge of the quilt, Finn threw out a hand to keep him from picking it up. “Don’t."

“Don’t what?” Kurt gave him a confused look. “It’s cold in here.”

“Because I’m naked under here,” he said in an undertone, as Kurt reached again. 

“Finn?” Kurt yelped. “On the couch? What are you—oh, god.” He drew back. “You aren’t.”

“I’m sorry,” he begged. “Don’t judge me. This was a really crummy date, and when I got home I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but sit here and—and feel bad about things.”

“And take off your shorts?” 

“I thought everybody was asleep.” 

“That would have made it better? For God’s sake, Finn, do it in the bathroom like the rest of us.” 

“I usually do it in bed,” he muttered.

“I really didn’t need to hear that.” Kurt was still staring at his face. “Look, I’m not judging you for needing to get some relief. You’re human. How you go downstairs and finish in privacy, and then… we’ll pretend this never happened?”

“Yeah. Definitely.” He stood up as soon as Kurt’s back was turned, carefully zipping himself back up. “Sorry.” 

As an afterthought, he took the quilt with him and deposited it into the laundry room off the kitchen before heading down to their bedroom. He hadn’t gotten anything on the quilt, he was pretty sure, but he didn’t want Kurt thinking he didn’t care about cleaning up after himself. Then he got ready for bed, changing out of his clothes and into boxers and a t-shirt, but it took him a long time to get back to the point where he felt like he could relax enough to continue where he left off. 

And then he _couldn’t._ He tried, but each time he made progress, he’d start to feel really self-conscious, and he would have to stop and shake out the knots in his hand and take a few deep breaths. Even after several attempts, he could never quite get close enough to finish. It got to the point where he was so frustrated that he just gave up.

Kurt eventually came down to their room, avoiding eye contact with him for about two minutes, but finally went over and sat on the edge of his bed. 

“Hey. Can I apologize?” His voice was gentle, and he looked a little sheepish. “I completely overreacted, and I’m sorry.” 

“No,” Finn mumbled, “you were right, that was a stupid thing to do.” 

“I didn’t say it was stupid.” Kurt reached out and awkwardly patted his foot under the covers. “You, uh, okay now? 

“No. I can’t.” 

Kurt’s hand stopped patting. He withdrew it and returned it to his lap. “Can’t you… why not?”

“I don’t know. I’m kind of tense and embarrassed, I guess, and that makes it hard to do anything.” 

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said, sounding distressed.

“Hey, no, it’s okay. I’ll figure it out. Like, you didn’t break me or anything.” 

“I don’t want you to think that there’s something wrong with you.”

Finn let out a laugh. “I know there’s something wrong with me, Kurt, but it’s not because I jerk off.” 

Kurt looked startled, but he made an attempt at a laugh himself. “No, I suppose not. I mean… I do it, too.” 

“Not on the couch, though.”

“No,” Kurt agreed, grinning. “I don’t think I’ve ever done that.”

“It wasn’t because I couldn’t have gone into the bathroom. I guess I just wanted someplace comfortable, like, warm and soft and it felt okay.”

“Do you feel okay now?”

Finn shrugged and turned over onto his side. “Trying to, anyway.” 

“Finn, there really is nothing wrong with you.”

He blinked a couple of times. “Thanks, Kurt.”

When Kurt put a hand on his back, rubbing gently, he almost started crying, but he managed to bite the inside of his cheek hard enough to stave it off. 

“Did Rachel tell you something was wrong with—“

“I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“Okay, then,” Kurt said slowly, “what _do_ you want to do? How about a warm shower?”

“Are you seriously trying to help me get off?”

Kurt snatched his hand away so quickly, Finn felt immediately bad. He turned over and grabbed Kurt’s hand before he could move away, and Kurt sucked in a breath.

“Thank you,” Finn added. “I know you’re not really doing that, but you are trying to help, and… just, thank you. I’m glad you don’t think there’s something wrong with me.”

They looked at each other for a long time, way longer than felt comfortable. Eventually Kurt stood up and went into the bathroom. Finn heard him turn on the shower. That brought up some images of Kurt doing exactly what he’d suggested Finn do in the shower, and that led him to finally being able to relax enough to do it himself. He wondered if he should feel guilty for getting off after he’d told Kurt he couldn’t. Then he wondered if he should tell Kurt what he’d done, just as a courtesy. The whole thing was so bizarre, he lay on his back and snorted laughter, staring up at the ceiling. 

“Did you and Blaine ever do that together?” he asked Kurt later, after the lights were out. 

“Boyfriends kind of do that, Finn, by definition.”

“No, I mean… I guess I do mean. It just seems like it would be different, if you’re not trying to get something from somebody, but kind of… you know, be their friend.”

“I think there’s a different name for that kind of friends.”

Kurt sounded like he was teasing, but Finn thought about it anyway. “Do you have any friends like that?”

“Oh my god, Finn, no, are you kidding?“ He paused. “Do you?”

“No. I mean, maybe if you count Santana, but she’s more of an enemy with benefits. I wouldn’t trust her to, like, be nice to me while she’s helping me get off.” 

Kurt hummed agreement. “I always suspected Puck would do that, to be honest.”

“I think his friends with benefits are more like conquests. Even if I thought he liked dudes like that, I don’t think we’d be all that compatible.” 

“Brittany tried to be friends like that with me, but I wasn’t interested. She was cheerful about it when I said no, though. I think if I ever asked a boy to… do that with me, he would use it as an excuse to destroy me socially, or dumpster me for eternity, or both.”

“If he did, Glee club would have your back.” 

“Thanks, Finn.” Kurt was smiling. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

It was quiet after that, a comfortable silence that made Finn feel safe. He couldn’t help but think about Kurt, his warm hand on his back, as he slid into sleep. 

* * *

Finn seated himself on the couch near Burt’s recliner and gestured at the Ohio State game on the screen. “Don’t tell me they’re getting trounced by Wisconsin? I thought they were ranked first.”

“Don’t remind me,” Burt sighed. “It’s almost too painful to watch. I’ll tell you, after that game with Indiana last week, I thought they’d be heading to the Rose Bowl again this year, but if they lose to _Wisconsin…_ ” 

After a few minutes, Finn shivered and felt around on the floor for the quilt. Then he remembered what had happened to it. Trying not to look guilty, he went through the kitchen into the laundry room and found the clean, dry quilt, folded and waiting on top of the washer. He brought it back with him to the couch and wrapped up inside it, wincing as Clay scored a second touchdown. 

Then Finn looked up to see Kurt standing beside the couch, looking down at him with a strange expression. They each remained where they were, eyeing each other, until Burt said, “Hey, kiddo, have a seat. You want to watch the Wisconsin kicker complete the field goal?” 

“Sure,” Kurt said, sounding tense. He looked pointedly at Finn, then at the quilt. Finn translated the eyebrow Kurt raised at him as saying, _do you have your pants on this time?_

Finn scrambled to pull back the quilt to show him he was fully clothed underneath, and shot an indignant look back at Kurt, gesturing at Burt in the process. _Dude, I learned my lesson,_ he was saying, _and really, you think I'd do that in front of your dad?_

Kurt’s lips twitched, and then he smiled, and sat down next to Finn. He accepted a portion of the quilt, spreading it over his legs, and even moved in a little closer to Finn, maximizing the shared warmth. When Finn bumped Kurt’s shoulder with his, Kurt’s smile softened. It felt to Finn like a victory, but one where neither of them had lost. The rewards were shared.

* * *

The next time Finn arrived home from a date with Rachel, he went looking for Kurt. He found him at his sewing machine in the basement. 

“Hey,” said Kurt. It took him a moment to look up from his work, but when he did, he turned around to give Finn his full attention. “What is it?”

“I was just wondering if… if you’re not too busy.”

“Yeah, of course, let me just...” Kurt pushed his chair out, standing up, watching Finn in concern. “Did something happen?”

“Not really. It was just another bad night.” He took a step back. “Can we, I don’t know, watch something mindless?”

Kurt surveyed his project, then nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

He followed Finn upstairs to the couch, where he sat beside him. Finn wasn’t sure what to do with Kurt looking at him like that, with such focused scrutiny, like he was trying to find the right piece to a puzzle. 

“Do I have to talk about it?” Finn asked glumly.

“No,” Kurt said, hesitating, then more firmly, “no, you don’t. Should I pick the movie?”

It ended up not being a musical, but an 80s movie that Finn hadn’t seen, one with Eric Stolz. 

“Isn’t that the girl from Back to the Future?” he asked Kurt, when he came back to the family room with warm milk.

“Yes, that’s right. Um… do you want a blanket?” 

“I’m good.” He took the milk from Kurt, then paused. “Do you mean—?”

“I don’t mean anything,” Kurt said quickly. “It’s cold in here.” 

He sat at the other end of the couch, not looking at him, until Finn said, “I didn’t say _you_ couldn’t have a blanket.” 

“I don’t need a blanket, Finn!” he snapped. Then he sighed. “I’m sorry. We don’t have to be weird about this.” 

“Hey, if you’re cold, I’m warm.” He indicated the space on the couch beside him.

After a long sigh, Kurt shifted to sit right next to him, underneath his arm, and Finn immediately felt better.

“Thanks," he said. "I think what I really should have done is just asked for a hug and not interrupted you when you were sewing.” 

“You didn’t bother me, really. I’m glad you asked.” Kurt patted Finn’s leg. “Really. But I’ll give you a hug next time, first, before the movie.” 

They watched the film with their legs aligned, one short pair and one long pair, and Finn’s arm curved around Kurt’s shoulder. It was kind of a friendship story and kind of a love story. Finn didn’t really follow what was going on with the diamond earrings, but the girl played drums, which was cool. 

“These are the real benefits friends should have,” Finn said. “What we’re doing. Like, these are the important ones.” 

Kurt gazed at him with astonishment. “Do you think so?”

“Sure. I mean, okay, those other benefits are pretty great, too.” 

“I suppose so. If you trusted the person. And assuming you both wanted the same things.” 

Finn nodded. “Rachel told me I should stop wanting that stuff so much. She said I need to stop pressuring her.” 

“You do need to,” Kurt agreed. “Really, don’t do that.” 

“But—“ He sighed in frustration. “You just said you agree with me that these things are important. Shouldn’t she want to be close to me, too?”

“Close to you how?”

“Like this. Except every time I try it, she thinks I’m trying to have sex with her.” 

Kurt raised an eyebrow. “Are you?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. What counts as sex? Like, if I get turned on while I’m doing this, does it mean I want to have sex? Is that a bad thing?” 

“Finn, first of all, it doesn’t matter if it counts or not. If she’s feeling pressured, back off. If she tells you you’re doing things she doesn’t like, stop.”

“And then what?” he said. When Kurt frowned, he added, “I mean, yeah, I get it, you’re right, and I do stop. I don’t want her to feel bad, ever. But does ‘stop asking’ mean I just… don’t get what I want? How can that be good?” 

“I don’t know,” Kurt snapped. “Stop yelling at me. I’m just trying to help.” 

“I’m not yelling!” Finn swallowed. “I’m sorry. I guess I was yelling.” 

“Okay. Yes, I know it’s hard—and that’s not a joke. I do know. Same equipment, same experience. Being gay doesn’t make it any easier when somebody says no.” 

“But you’re the one who says no,” said Finn. “Aren’t you? Like, _slow down, not yet, I’m not ready.”_ He watched Kurt look away. “Aren’t you?”

“Not actually.” Kurt smiled bitterly as he gazed at the television. “You’re surprised? I’m the one who tried to coax you into my lair and seduce you with three hundred dollars of IKEA merchandise.”

Finn laughed in surprise, then stopped when Kurt rolled his eyes. “Sorry again. It was rude of me to laugh. But… really? Blaine doesn’t want to do any of that stuff with you?”

“He generally prefers we handle it separately, after our dates.” 

“Well… that sucks. I figured, being dudes, you’d—sorry, again, I know you don’t like that word. Guys? Boys? Men?” Finn shrugged. “I have no idea what we are, honestly. I thought being gay meant, like, the sex would just be…” 

He stopped talking, and felt himself flush as Kurt studied his face. 

“Would be what, Finn?” Kurt said. “You thought gay sex would be what? More plentiful? Because all we want is sex?”

“Not _all.”_

“You were just saying that wasn’t the most important thing!”

“It’s not, but doesn’t wanting it make it kind of important? So, what, you say, _let’s get it on,_ and he says, _no thanks, Kurt, I think we should just sit on the couch and watch a movie?”_ When Kurt shrugged, he stared at him, appalled. “How could he say that to you? You’re, like, the hottest dude ever.” 

Kurt’s cheeks were flaming by now. “Nobody has ever said that to me, Finn.” 

“Well, they’re thinking it. All the gay dudes are.” 

He sighed. “I can’t really complain because my boyfriend would rather not spend what little time we have together in bed.”

“Who says it has to be in bed? What happened to the couch?”

Kurt glanced up at him, startled, and then started to laugh. Finn grinned. 

“Blaine would definitely never go for that, Finn,” he said, still laughing. “But thanks for the suggestion.” 

The movie was relegated to background noise after that. Nearly all Finn’s attention was on the gentle relaxed feeling he had, sitting there with Kurt. Every now and then, Finn would lean over and let his cheek brush against Kurt’s head, and each time, Kurt made some very nice happy noises. Kurt didn’t smell anything like Rachel, although his hair was even more soft. 

As the credits were rolling, Finn reached over and hugged Kurt, a real hug with both arms, and Kurt made an even happier noise.

“Maybe it was hearing that you’re dealing with some of the same stuff as me,” Finn told him, “but I feel a lot better. Thanks for dropping everything you were doing to hang out with me. And there’s nothing wrong with you, either.” 

Kurt accepted Finn’s words with obvious pleasure, and maybe he looked a little weepy afterwards. Finn cleaned up the milk pan before going downstairs, to give Kurt time to recover. By the time he got down there, Kurt was in the shower, so he used the opportunity to deal with the residual tension he was feeling. It wasn’t clear how much of it was left over from his date with Rachel and how much was newly created from snuggling on the couch with Kurt, but at this point, he figured it didn’t matter. 

* * *

There were a series of good dates that followed, during which Finn started to feel like Rachel might actually listen to what he was trying to tell her. Then he made a big mistake and told her about his evenings snuggling with Kurt.

“You come home from our date,” she said, furrowing her brow, “and then you sit on the couch with him and watch a movie?”

“Usually,” he agreed. “Sometimes we just sit and don’t watch anything, or we talk, or kind of, like, feel close.” 

The furrow dug deeper. “That sounds like a date, Finn. A second date.”

“What does it matter? It doesn’t hurt you.” He watched her frowning with mounting frustration. “It’s not even—I mean, we’re not making out or anything.”

“But he wishes he were,” she insisted. “You _know_ he is.”

“I don’t really know that, Rach,” he said. 

That was only sort of true. Finn didn’t know for sure how Kurt felt about him anymore, but he could guess, by looking at his face when they sat close together, or by the mixed hesitation and joy Kurt expressed when Finn touched his skin. 

“Because he’s gay?” he asked. “That seems kind of unfair, to say a gay guy can never be friends with a straight guy.”

“No, because he admitted he had a crush on you. You don’t sit around on the couch and invite the person who has admitted they have a crush on you to join you under the blanket.” Rachel was full-fledged glaring at him now. “You just don’t, Finn.” 

That felt impossibly unfair, but he wasn’t sure how to express it. “Does that mean I can never touch him? Never give him a hug?”

“Hugs are fine because they end quickly,” she said. “But not… _lingering.”_

Finn thought about it on the way home. He decided it wasn’t just the duration of the hug, but the person doing it that made it suspicious. If it had been, say, Artie doing that with him, it would clearly not be a date, but if Santana was, it clearly would be. With Kurt, he guessed there would always be a question as to his intention. 

He sat on the couch by himself for a while, continuing to think about it, but then realized Kurt was hovering at the top of the basement stairs, watching him. 

“Hey,” Finn said, quietly, and held out his hand. 

Kurt came over and sat next to him. “How’d it go tonight?” 

“Can you tell?” Finn made a face, and Kurt laughed. “Am I that obvious?”

“Yes,” Kurt said, “but that’s not a bad thing. Do you want to talk about your date?”

He shrugged. “I don’t want to put you in a weird position. Making you listen to me talk about Rachel seems kind of unfair.” 

Kurt touched his hand. “You don’t have to tell me, but I did ask. You could even tell me about the good parts, if you want.”

“The good parts are kind of, you know.” He hesitated, then intertwined their fingers. “Not stuff you’d be interested in.”

“No, Finn, I’m not saying I have a prurient interest in Rachel Berry’s sex life. I’m saying if you don’t want to complain, I’m not offended by hearing about the good things. You can still like her, even if she’s not always giving you what you need.” 

“I do like her.” They weren’t touching anywhere other than their hands, but it was enough to make him feel like Kurt was holding him up. “That’s what makes it so hard.”

“Pun intended,” Kurt murmured. He smiled when Finn snickered. “Are we watching a movie, then, or should I let you go for some alone time?”

He just shook his head, because all the answers he wanted to give combined those two things and started with _stay right here on the couch with me._ They’d already established that would be a bad plan. “I guess I should go to bed. It’s late.”

Kurt gazed at him with a worried look, but he nodded and let Finn get up. Finn made a halfhearted attempt at a smile, even though he wasn’t feeling it. 

He didn’t take advantage of the shower, or the time Kurt gave him in the room alone. Instead, he waited until they were both in bed with the lights off. He didn’t ask, or listen for Kurt’s breathing to indicate he was asleep. He just went for it with focused intent, trying to be as efficient as possible, but not really trying to keep quiet. His usual fantasies had been extended to encompass whatever Kurt might be doing in the next bed, but he didn’t stay awake long enough afterward to listen and find out if they were true.

* * *

Blaine came to visit Kurt on his way to his summer job at Six Flags in Chicago. Finn only saw him for a brief time, on his way out the door to play basketball with Puck, but Blaine was as friendly as ever. 

“Break a leg, only not really,” Finn said, giving him a high-five. “You’re going to wow them.”

“Summer audiences are pretty forgiving,” Blaine said. “Even if I’m not 100% on my game every day, I think they’ll enjoy themselves.” 

Kurt looked breathless and tense beside Blaine when Finn left the house, which was also ordinary. But when Finn got back from playing basketball, Kurt was still there, Blaine was gone, and Finn couldn’t get him to meet his eyes.

“Blaine took off?” Finn asked. “I thought he was staying for dinner.” 

“He had to leave early to make it to Chicago before rush hour.”

“That doesn’t sound like the whole story.”

Kurt shrugged. “The whole story would take too long to explain.”

“Yeah, I know that feeling.” Finn hung back, watching him for a while, the restless movements of his body. “Okay if I shower?” 

“It’s your shower too.”

“Yeah, except you look like you could use a little time in the bathroom by yourself.” 

Kurt glared at him. “You think you can solve everything with sex, don’t you?” 

“No, but in this case, I bet it wouldn’t hurt.” 

Kurt turned his back on Finn and ignored him, until finally Finn went ahead and took his own shower. He wondered if Kurt was right, if he was really trying to solve everything with sex. Maybe it just seemed like he was, because the things Kurt needed were only available to guys he was having sex with. That didn’t seem fair to him, and certainly not to Kurt. 

When Finn opened the door to grab his robe, he could hear Kurt crying, but he stopped as soon as Finn stepped into view.

“Why are you shutting me out?” Finn snapped. “Kurt, just tell me what—“

“I broke up with Blaine.” 

“Oh, shit.” Finn sat down on Kurt’s bed and touched his shaking back. “What did he do?”

“Nothing. He didn’t do anything.” 

“Was that the problem?”

“No, Finn,” Kurt said, turning just far enough toward him that Finn could see his exasperated profile as he wiped his eyes on his handkerchief. “We had a discussion about what I wanted. He gave me some choices, and I picked the one where we broke up. He was very fair about it.” 

“Well, you can still feel crappy about it.” Finn tried to rub his back, but Kurt shifted away from his touch. “Do you want a hug?”

“After you get dressed.” 

While Finn was putting on his shorts, he thought of one more thing. “Do you want to go upstairs and sit on the couch?”

Kurt let out a choked laugh. Then he turned around and blew his nose. “I don’t think I’m ready for that yet, Finn.”

“You know, I just thought you might—uh.” He stopped putting on his shirt as he realized what Kurt might have thought he meant. “That’s not what I was talking about. I just meant relaxing on the couch with a stupid movie, you and me. A distraction.” 

“I knew what you meant.” Kurt waited a moment before he nodded. “All right. Thanks.” 

Nobody else was in the house, but Finn glanced behind himself anyway as he finished putting on his t-shirt. Then he waited for Kurt to come to him. When he did, Finn held on tight, and didn’t let go for a long time. 

“I’m really not trying to push you,” Finn said. It came out soft and whispery, and not at all like the way he usually talked to Kurt. 

“Thank you,” Kurt whispered back. He sounded like he was crying again. “I appreciate you asking.” 

Finn wondered what else he should be doing. Maybe he should pick out the movie? Would Kurt even want warm milk in the middle of the afternoon? Kurt looked calm and pale and stuck in his own thoughts, but it was possible he didn’t want Finn to try to distract him from his grieving.

“I really don’t know what I’m doing,” he said, feeling frustrated. “If you’d rather be left alone, I can take a hint, but it might have to be a really obvious one.”

“I’m not going to get anywhere sitting in my room crying all afternoon,” Kurt told him. “But if you have something else to do—“

“No,” Finn said quickly, “no, I really don’t, but…” He watched Kurt frown. “It’s just that I’m willing to be a distraction, movies or whatever, if that’s what you want? But if you would rather talk, I want to listen, no matter how long a story it is.” 

“Oh.” He shifted in Finn’s arms. Finn hoped, if Kurt really wanted him to stop hugging him, he would step away or say something, but he stayed where he was. He even rested his forehead on Finn’s chest, which made Finn want to hug him tighter. “I don’t exactly know where to begin.”

“What other choices did Blaine give you besides breaking up with him?”

“That’s definitely not the place to begin,” Kurt sighed. “But... he told me I could stop doing the things I was doing that made him tell me we had to break up.”

Finn put a hand on the back of his neck. His skin felt so warm. “Like what?”

Kurt didn’t respond. When Kurt took a deep breath, Finn breathed with him, feeling his chest expand and then relax. 

“Do you think you’re doing anything wrong? I mean, anything that… you shouldn’t do, when you’re dating somebody else.” 

Kurt put his hands on Finn’s chest and leaned back far enough that Finn could see his face, pink and streaked with tears. “I wasn’t, yet, but given the opportunity, I would have, and Blaine knew it. I didn’t want to cheat on him.”

“Okay,” Finn said. He really didn’t know how to ask the next question, but before he could, Kurt stepped back, giving Finn a little regretful push with both hands.

“And I really don’t want you to cheat on Rachel.”

Finn found himself stuck in that spot on the floor, too far away from Kurt to do anything helpful and too close to pretend their conversation was over. He swallowed hard on all the irresponsible things he wanted to say, and finally decided not to say anything. 

“I think I should go someplace else,” Kurt said. “Just for a few hours, until I can think clearly again.” 

Finn nodded, because even though he still didn’t want Kurt to go anywhere, he had no idea what the alternative was. He watched him climb the stairs until his legs were out of sight. After a few minutes, the front door closed, and he heard the sound of the Navigator’s motor.

He went upstairs with the stupid movie he’d selected to watch with Kurt, but now it didn’t seem worth watching. He just sat on the couch, in the space where he would have been if he and Kurt had been there together. He turned on the television, but he wasn’t really thinking about what was on the screen, because all he could see was Kurt’s hands on his chest, pushing him away, saying _I really don’t want you to cheat on Rachel._

After about ten minutes, he got up and walked back downstairs to get his phone. He sent a text to Kurt: _Do you think I’m cheating on Rachel?_

 _That depends on your definition of cheating,_ Kurt sent back. _Is cheating about what you do or how you feel?_

Finn had no idea. How he felt was confused and scared and a little nauseated, but he didn’t think Kurt wanted to hear that answer. 

_What was Blaine’s definition?_

_I don’t think he had one. He didn’t want me to leave, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice._

_Because of how you feel,_ Finn typed slowly, his heart thudding in his ears. 

_Yes._

_What do I have to do to get you to come home?_

There was a long pause, which only felt longer the more times Finn paced back and forth across the basement. Then his phone rang. He put it to his ear. “Hey.”

 _“Finn, this isn’t the kind of thing that’s going to go away,”_ Kurt said, with clear regret.

“Who said I want it to go away?” he protested. “I want it to get closer. It hasn’t even gotten close enough for me to figure out what kind of thing it is.”

_“I told you how I feel.”_

“No, you didn’t. You just pointed to it with… a big pointery thing.” 

_“Come on, Finn, do you need me to say the words for you to know?”_

“I guess not since we’re pointing so obviously. And talking around it.” He took a couple of deep breaths, wishing he could feel Kurt doing it with him. “I don’t think you can cheat with your feelings, Kurt.” 

_“You can if your boyfriend says he doesn’t want to be with you if you have feelings for someone else. Especially if you lie and tell him you don’t.”_

“So in that case, you’d cheat with a lie, not with feelings.” He wanted to bundle up the first part of that sentence and hold it really close to his chest. “Okay, I think I can get how it might feel like cheating to have feelings like this when nobody knows you have them. But I do know you have them. Why don’t you want to tell me what they are?”

 _“Because.”_ He heard Kurt’s angry tone shift into tears, and had to start pacing again. _“Because you don’t say things like that to somebody who has a girlfriend.”_

“Because having a girlfriend implies things about me and what I might or might not want to hear you say? Or because she would beat you up?”

_“It’s true, she might never speak to me again, although I’m having trouble seeing that as a negative. No, I’m… maybe I’m making some leaps, Finn, but I think I’m assuming you having a girlfriend does not necessarily mean you might not also…”_

“This is the part we’re not talking about, isn’t it?” he said, when Kurt trailed off. 

Kurt sighed. _“Yes, this is the part.”_

“Okay. I guess I’ll see you later, and… we still won’t be talking about this.” 

_“Probably not.”_

“At least we’re talking about not talking about it now? Instead of… really not talking about it.”

_“I suppose that’s not so bad. Assuming you feel the same way.”_

“I guess that’s hard to know without talking about it, Kurt.”

Finn hung up, wondering what, if anything, he could do about this. It only took a few minutes of standing there, feeling a whole bunch of things, to decide he needed to call Rachel. 

_“Finn!”_ She sounded surprised, but happy to hear from him, and that made him feel even worse. _“What’s going on?”_

“I just had a conversation with Kurt about the things we were talking about last week? You know, the sitting on the couch things.”

_“Yes, I remember. Did Kurt tell you something?”_

“No, he didn’t tell me something. I mean, he kind of told me, but I already knew, and… he didn’t really tell me, anyway. Except that he did.” He took a deep breath and let it out, but all it did was make him feel dizzy. “He broke up with Blaine.”

_“Did—he not tell you that? Because if you’re just thinking he did, but—“_

“No, he really did tell me that. Sorry, this is confusing.” He stood up, then sat down again. “Rachel, he said he broke up with Blaine because Blaine told him he wasn’t allowed to have feelings for other people if he was going to date him.”

 _“Okay,”_ she said. _“So… did he tell you that too? Because it does sound like—“_

“Rachel!” He hated how tight and hard his voice came out. He made himself speak more gently. “Would you please listen? I need to tell you this.”

_“I was just trying to understand what you were saying, because you’re not making any sense.”_

“I know. I think I haven’t been for a while.” He paused to see if she was going to keep telling him things, but she was quiet. “I was surprised to hear that Kurt thought it wasn’t okay to have feelings for somebody else, because I don’t know how you can control that. The feelings thing.”

 _“I don’t think you can, Finn. You either have feelings or you don’t.”_ She paused, then added, _“Sorry, that wasn’t listening. Keep going.”_

He took a deep breath. “Do you remember when I told you I was having fantasies about Kurt? Like the kind you have at night, just before you go to bed.” 

_“I remember.”_ She sighed. _“Are you still having them?”_

“They’re different now. But that wasn’t… I mean, I know you didn’t like that was happening, but you told me I couldn’t control my fantasies. That it was just something that happened.”

_“That’s accurate.”_

“Okay, so… then I started having fantasies I could control. About him. And I was thinking that… maybe those were feelings I _should_ be controlling. Like, if I’m thinking about him without his permission, is that even okay?”

_“Do you think you can stop thinking about him?”_

“Not exactly, but… I can stop _meaning_ to think about him. When I, you know, do certain things…”

 _“I do understand what you mean, Finn. You don’t have to explain.”_ He heard her sigh. _“I think I understand how Blaine wants Kurt to only have feelings for him, but I don’t think that’s really all that reasonable. You choose to have a relationship with a person because they’re important to you, and you enjoy spending time with them, and they meet certain needs for you.”_

“What if they don’t?” Finn whispered. 

_“What?”_

“I think I have to ask you one more question.” He thought of several ways to ask, but none of them were going to be close to how he felt about it, and finally decided there was no way to be subtle. Kurt said he didn’t have to be subtle. “Do you still want to go out with me if I want to be with him more than I want to be with you?”

She huffed. _“I think that’s the meanest thing you’ve said to me this year.”_

“Because I think I already felt like that,” he went on. “I was doing whatever I could do, without breaking the rules, like you said. I was going on couch dates with him, and cuddling, and listening to one another, and talking about important things. Which was what you and I were doing minus the kissing. And we weren’t doing any of the things he thought were inappropriate to be doing while he was dating somebody else. Even though we were both thinking about doing them. I think he was, anyway. And now—“

 _“Okay, Finn,”_ she snapped. _“You’re making your feelings very clear. So go ahead; break up with me.”_

“Because I don’t want to stop what I’m doing with Kurt?”

 _“Because you’re in love with him!”_

The thrill that went through his body at the sound of those words was definitely inappropriate. “Even if I’m still in love with you?”

She was definitely crying now. _“Finn, I’m sorry, but if I’m not the only person for you, then we can’t be together.”_

He’d expected to be crushed by hearing her speak those words, or somehow deflated, but it was actually the opposite. He could feel himself sitting a little taller, holding his head up higher.

“Okay, Rach,” he said, as gently as he could. “We can talk tomorrow, okay?”

 _“What do you mean?"_ Now she sounded annoyed, almost frantic. _“Why can’t we talk now?”_

“We just did,” he said. “The next thing I have to do is talk to Kurt.”

_“But he’s not your boyfriend. You don’t owe him anything!”_

The reason for this wasn’t at all clear, but he wasn’t going to stay on the phone to argue with her any more. “I’ll talk with you tomorrow,” he said again. Then he hung up. 

Maybe it wasn’t okay, Finn thought afterward, to end the conversation when one person wanted to keep talking and the other person was already done, but he’d had it with pretend listening. With luck, he’d be able to convince Kurt to do some of the real kind. 

He sent Kurt a text on his way up the stairs. _You never answered my question._

 _About what?_ Kurt asked.

_About what I had to do to get you to come home?_

_I’m not actually all that far away,_ Kurt told him. _You’ll see me if you look out the kitchen window._

When he went into the kitchen, Finn realized Kurt was sitting on the back deck, facing the yard and swatting mosquitoes. He slid open the glass door. 

“You could think better if you weren’t dealing with bugs biting you,” he said. 

Kurt didn’t turn around. “Probably.” 

“If you come inside, you could sit on the couch and stare at the blank television, in that super dramatic way people always do on TV.” 

He shook his head and stared at his lap. “I really don’t think we should sit on the couch together anymore, Finn.” 

“Because of how you feel about me.” The thrill returned as he said that aloud. He grinned, but managed to tuck it away before it touched his voice. 

“Yes, Finn,” Kurt said quietly, “because of how I feel.”

“But you’ve been feeling this way for a long time. Right? This isn’t new. You just kept feeling it.”

“No.” Kurt stared up at the sky above the trees, slumped over his hands stacked in his lap. “I used to feel one way, and then I got to know you, and now I feel… another way. A bigger, more important way. One that needed time, and trust, and common experiences to develop, not just attraction.” 

“But you’re still attracted to me.” Now Finn was the one brushing away the mosquitoes. “Come on, Kurt, I’m letting all the bugs in the house. Look, this isn’t easy, okay?” 

Kurt blew out a breath through his nose. “It’s never been easy. I’ve never been able to figure out how I’m going to sit across the table from you at dinner. Or how to sleep in a room with you at night and listen to you… or sing with you in Glee club, or watch you make eyes at Rachel. I just know I’ve managed to do it so far, and I guess I’ll keep doing it somehow.”

“Maybe you’d think differently,” said Finn, “if you knew I just broke up with Rachel.”

Kurt turned around so fast, he almost fell off the picnic table. Their eyes fell upon one another as Finn stepped back into the house and slid the door closed. He had to smile at Kurt’s astonished expression. 

He got about ten steps toward the basement door before Kurt managed to slide the door open again. 

“Don’t you dare tell me you did that for me,” he shouted. 

“No. I did it because Blaine was wrong.” Finn smiled again when Kurt stopped, his face contorting in confusion. “Yeah. And Rachel was wrong too. There was nothing wrong with any of the things we did, or the way we felt. We did it the right way. I knew it was important, the way I felt about you, and the things we did together, and you never told me I shouldn’t do them or feel them. Until today.” He approached him slowly, watching him back away, until he was pressed up against the sliding glass door. “Why?”

“Why what?” Kurt whispered.

“Why did you wait until Blaine told you no?” 

He gave Finn a little desperate shake. “I don’t—“

“Come on, just tell me the truth.” 

“Because I didn’t want to stop,” Kurt cried. “I didn’t want to, even though it wasn’t right.” 

“Really?” Finn offered his hands. “What wasn’t right about it? We’ve been friends for two years.” 

Kurt frowned at Finn, but he shuffled forward. “Friends don’t feel like this about one another, Finn.” 

“We do, though. I didn’t let you go too far, and you did the same for me. We just… held on.” He clasped Kurt’s hands tight, and listened in anticipation as Kurt’s breathing accelerated. “Like that. It was hard, right?”

“It was.” He spoke softly, pushing each word out like it hurt him to say them. “It was so hard.” 

“Yeah. But it was always worth it. No matter what happened with Rachel, or what happened with Blaine, I realized I never wanted to give this up. I guess when I heard Blaine say it wasn’t okay, I had to admit Rachel had been telling me the same thing.” He pulled Kurt’s hands toward his chest. “I finally had to think about how it was going to be when we move out next year, because if we didn’t do anything, we would go our separate ways, and this would just… be over. I realized that’s not okay with me.” 

Kurt nodded. The closer Finn drew him, the more trembling steps he had to take, until he was near enough to hug. 

“I really love what we have, Kurt,” Finn said. “Really, really. I don’t think either of us should have to choose between this and anybody else, but if we do, I’m going to pick this, with you.” 

Kurt cried hard for a long minute, bent against him. It felt like standing under a strong, hot shower, enveloped in steam. Finn breathed it in, reveling in the possibilities as he held him in his arms. 

“I guess before I say anything else,” he said into his hair, “I’d better ask if breaking up with Blaine means I have a chance with you.”

Kurt laughed through his tears. “I think…” He wiped his face, then looked up at him through swollen eyes, smiling. “Nobody else has ever had any chance, Finn.” 

“Would you mind if I kissed you, then? Because—“

The _because_ was lost in Kurt’s lips on his, firm and warm and very certain. Finn leaned into them with indulgent appreciation, letting Kurt do the kissing while he gathered him as close as he could. It definitely went on longer than either Blaine or Rachel, or anyone else watching, probably would have thought was appropriate for two friends. 

“I need you to know,” Kurt said, barely letting his mouth go long enough to speak, “that you’ve been in my fantasies a long time, but I really, really never thought I would get to see any of them come true. So I might feel… a little surprised by them. I might forget they’re really happening.” He clutched at Finn. “Oh…”

It was the most _oh_ he’d felt in a long time, but Finn wasn’t about to lose track of his goals. “Maybe this is the kind of thing we should be doing on the couch?”

“Basement,” Kurt gasped. “Please.”

Finn followed, making sure the door was closed. Any rational decisions he was going to make would have to wait until later. Until then, they would apparently be making irrational decisions together. 

**Author's Note:**

> Finn and Kurt were watching [Some Kind of Wonderful](https://ew.com/movies/2019/02/11/john-hughes-some-kind-of-wonderful-oral-history/).


End file.
